martiandrivein
aka Rolf Nelson is a 25.63 year old boy, has been a member since September 5, 2006, has scored 8,906 submissions, giving an average score of 1.69, helping 244 designs get printed.
Trolls really get my goats.
of 43 votes, 21% like it
I'm polygonist. I can't just choose one shape to marry.
of 58 votes, 16% like it
The Tyrannosaurus Rex's greatest fear was small arms fire.
of 50 votes, 18% like it
I don't fold under pressure, it makes my origami come out crooked
of 51 votes, 31% like it
Looks can be deceiving, deep down I'm only partially as awesome.
of 61 votes, 26% like it
The Grass is Always Greener if Your Neighbor Waters.
of 52 votes, 21% like it
I'm a life coach for an entire little league team.
of 69 votes, 10% like it
Spring Equinox is the Horsiest Day of the Year
of 65 votes, 3% like it
I'm always exactly where you find me.
of 44 votes, 45% like it
Hillbillies believe in reintarnation.
of 45 votes, 42% like it
Superglue comes from Unicorns.
of 72 votes, 46% like it
I'm ahead of my time, you just don't know it yet.
of 65 votes, 57% like it
My Train of Thought Needs a Conductor.
of 80 votes, 55% like it
I used to be famous. I remember those 15 minutes fondly.
of 72 votes, 42% like it
I dig Paleontology.
of 107 votes, 66% like it
The grass is always greener because my neighbor actually waters.
of 91 votes, 60% like it
Morning commutes are like zombie invasions.
of 87 votes, 55% like it
The internet is like the sun. When it goes out, we're all dead.
of 94 votes, 66% like it
Don't marry a miner, they're just gold diggers.
of 68 votes, 49% like it
I'm a Black Belt in Feng Shui.
of 85 votes, 42% like it
Getting hickeys are less fun when you're dating a vampire.
of 83 votes, 60% like it
Oedipus: The original Epic Fail.
of 125 votes, 66% like it
Life is like a box of chocolates, some days are full of nuts.
of 79 votes, 52% like it
My New Years Resolutions were at 300dpi.
of 82 votes, 48% like it
Playing Bingo is the only time it is ok to beat the elderly.
of 130 votes, 62% like it
The quickest way to a man's heart is by punching through his ribs
of 143 votes, 65% like it
Laughter is the worst medicine for Pneumonia.
of 143 votes, 61% like it
Recess was my favorite school subject. Lunch was a close second.
of 107 votes, 47% like it
Conjoined Twins Would Make the Best Double Agents.
of 100 votes, 47% like it
I snap my fingers and make things happen. Mostly snapping sounds
of 167 votes, 67% like it
I feel sorry for Piñatas.
of 118 votes, 50% like it
When Life Gives you Lemons, you Know You're a Living Cliche.
of 99 votes, 51% like it
Sci-Fi References are where it's AT-AT.
of 127 votes, 58% like it
I Forgot Why I Wanted Amnesia in The First Place.
of 86 votes, 51% like it
My Birthday Suit is Actually a Designer Brand.
of 114 votes, 61% like it
If My Construction Gets too Noisy, Ask Me to Stop. Hammer Time.
of 109 votes, 54% like it
I Can Always Count on my Friends if I Need More Than 10 Fingers.
of 159 votes, 76% like it
If at First You Don't Succeed, Your Batting Average Will Go Down.
of 100 votes, 52% like it
When All Else Fails, I Look Good By Comparison.
of 129 votes, 66% like it
When All Else Fails, Give Into Peer Pressure.
of 92 votes, 47% like it
I don't think I'm lackadaisical, but I'm too lazy to check.
of 78 votes, 46% like it
It's not that I make stuff up, it's just I don't check facts.
of 104 votes, 64% like it
I Don't Purposely Make Up Words, They Often Come Splonderously.
of 149 votes, 78% like it
Nude Photography Usually Ends in Indecent Exposure.
of 105 votes, 54% like it
I May Assault You With Full Frontal Nerdity.
of 91 votes, 46% like it
Pardon me while I slip into something a bit more Freudian
of 133 votes, 69% like it
Black Shirts say a lot about a person, like if they have cats.
of 135 votes, 73% like it
I Love Braille, because I'm Kind of Touchy-Feely.
of 87 votes, 56% like it
I'm an Artist, What's Your Excuse for Being Weird?
of 119 votes, 61% like it
I'm Not Afraid of Death, It's the Worms I'm Worried About.
of 78 votes, 44% like it
I Always Wish Trumpets Would Announce My Arrival.
of 87 votes, 45% like it
I Enjoy Traffic, It Gives Me Time To Practice Drums.
of 88 votes, 43% like it
(front)If I have hiccups
(back) You have permission to scare me.
of 106 votes, 45% like it
Sticks and Stones may Break Your Bones, but Mine are Adamantium.
of 116 votes, 58% like it
Passing Out is Good, Especially when there are Cookies Involved.
of 92 votes, 46% like it
A Megaphone is like Caps Lock for your Mouth
of 139 votes, 68% like it
Lost Puppies are a lot like Stalkers they'll both follow you home
of 80 votes, 43% like it
My Train of Thought Got Derailed. There Were No Survivors
of 114 votes, 54% like it
Female Mathematicians have decimals once a month.
of 87 votes, 40% like it
I'm Not Creepy, I Really Do Keep Candy in my Van.
of 95 votes, 47% like it
Blacksmiths Invented Chain Mail, and Sent it to Their Friends.
of 108 votes, 50% like it
I'm Probably The Most Modest, Humble Person You'll Ever Meet.
of 106 votes, 51% like it
Calories are Delicious.
of 98 votes, 48% like it
Some Photographers Flash Me.
of 80 votes, 43% like it
I Can Breathe Underwater, but Only for a Second before I drown.
of 93 votes, 53% like it
Ladders Are Convenient For Reaching High Places, as are Drugs.
of 85 votes, 46% like it
If I Were a Boy Scout, I'd Know How to Do Cool Things...Knot.
of 93 votes, 52% like it
Dragons Do Not Belong In Ice Cream Shops.
of 85 votes, 41% like it
I often put commas, where they don't, belong.
of 117 votes, 48% like it
Robots are Just Like Super Awesome Futuristic Versions of Me.
of 99 votes, 52% like it
Lines are Usually Longer Because There Are More People In Them.
of 105 votes, 37% like it
Ironically, Soap Operas are Dirty, and Have no Singing.
of 133 votes, 53% like it
Wearing my Heart on My Sleeve Tends to Make a Mess.
of 106 votes, 42% like it
Male Unicorns Live a Confused Life.
of 117 votes, 47% like it
Keep Your Friends Close, and Your Enemies Closer, but Tied Up.
of 126 votes, 52% like it
I Use my Floor as a Giant Shelf.
of 158 votes, 58% like it
My Power Animal is a Platypus.
of 120 votes, 47% like it
No Running by the Pool, Unless it's in Slow Motion.
of 142 votes, 56% like it
Make new friends but keep the old, otherwise it's elderly neglect
of 108 votes, 39% like it
All of My Ideas Make More Sense Inside my Head.
of 124 votes, 56% like it
I'm a Pretty Big Deal, Microscopically Speaking.
of 116 votes, 56% like it
I wish I had a nickel for every time I wished I had a nickel.
of 156 votes, 67% like it
I'm Not A Couch Potato, I'm A Living Room Ornament.
of 103 votes, 49% like it
A Dunce Is Only a Cloak and Wand Away From a Wizard.
of 119 votes, 63% like it
House Arrest Didn't Teach my Home Any Lessons.
of 94 votes, 48% like it
Get Off Your High Horse and Furthermore, Stop Feeding him Weed.
of 114 votes, 54% like it
I'm Not Weird, I'm An Artist.
of 104 votes, 51% like it
Traffic Cones are Just Suggestions.
of 106 votes, 48% like it
Optimists are Often Half Full of it.
of 112 votes, 54% like it
The Weatherman Owes Me an Apology.
of 101 votes, 47% like it
Everyone is a volunteer firefighter when they're on fire.
of 140 votes, 69% like it
I Bet I Can Make Things Uncomfortable.
of 106 votes, 56% like it
I learned I was flammable the hard way.
of 96 votes, 46% like it
I remember when this was the future.
of 133 votes, 63% like it
My Grandma Cheats at Board Games.
of 111 votes, 53% like it
I Usually Only Change in Phone Booths or Underground Caves.
of 99 votes, 48% like it
Cake is like Pie's Crummy Sibling.
of 93 votes, 42% like it
I'd rather be a space ninja than a space cowboy.
of 97 votes, 46% like it
I'm Traveling Forward Through Time Right Now.
of 113 votes, 55% like it
(On back) I'm Not Here Right Now, Please Leave A Massage.
of 97 votes, 42% like it
I'd be nothing without my mom, or my dad.
of 88 votes, 38% like it
Since timing is everything, I'll just wait.
of 114 votes, 58% like it
If a tree falls in the forest, I'll know. I set up a camera.
of 101 votes, 46% like it
All of my jokes are funny until you show up.
of 100 votes, 44% like it
I'm really famous where people know me.
of 98 votes, 45% like it
I was in a Bermuda love triangle once, but the problem vanished.
of 94 votes, 45% like it
Karaoke is Japanese for public humiliation.
of 127 votes, 61% like it
Pizza is a little more delicious when it is free.
of 88 votes, 49% like it
(Glow) Went to Chernobyl and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
of 101 votes, 45% like it
The only way I could be any cooler is if I were an Eskimo.
of 97 votes, 42% like it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'd prefer you not try.
of 103 votes, 53% like it
I use my bumpers for their intended purpose.
of 103 votes, 47% like it
My Grandma Knitted me the Sweater I'm not Wearing.
of 114 votes, 56% like it
Global Warming sounds like a good alternative to central heating.
of 91 votes, 38% like it
I don't try to Make up Words, They Just Come to me Spondiferously
of 111 votes, 60% like it
Once I got Pneumonia, I can't Even Imagine What Oldmonia is Like.
of 99 votes, 48% like it
Most of my jokes are rhetorical, they don't require laughing.
of 96 votes, 44% like it
The Quickest Route from Point A to Point B is by Teleporter.
of 90 votes, 43% like it
I do say, Monocles are spectacular.
of 104 votes, 46% like it
I'm allergic to being set on fire.
of 84 votes, 42% like it
I'm a volunteer firefighter, especially when I'm the one on fire.
of 85 votes, 44% like it
Shorthand is Actually Longer than Longhand.
of 83 votes, 42% like it
My racecar goes just as fast forwards as it does backwards.
of 82 votes, 48% like it
Six is afraid of seven because of his history of violence.
of 80 votes, 50% like it
Latin is a dead language. So is Zombie.
of 91 votes, 48% like it
Paleontologists always have a bone to pick with someone.
of 84 votes, 42% like it
Conjoined twins have the ultimate buddy system.
of 82 votes, 46% like it
I'd rather just search correctly, than have to research.
of 86 votes, 49% like it
Everything Aristotle said was Greek to me.
of 92 votes, 48% like it
Fights on moving stairs tend to escalate quickly.
of 133 votes, 66% like it
Sometimes I have a gut feeling, and other times it's just gas.
of 94 votes, 47% like it
A chip on your shoulder is a snack for later.
of 120 votes, 62% like it
Actions speak louder than words, unless you are yelling.
of 102 votes, 62% like it
Optimists are Really Just Double Negatives.
of 84 votes, 39% like it
All Dolphins Have a Porpoise in life.
of 103 votes, 52% like it
I Am Not A Reverse Psychologist.
of 111 votes, 46% like it
I'm such a good magician, I trick everyone into thinking I'm not.
of 107 votes, 44% like it
Sometimes elevators get me down.
of 103 votes, 50% like it
I am in the background of many vacation pictures.
of 100 votes, 48% like it
Strange is relative, and my relatives are strange.
of 97 votes, 43% like it
I bet I can make things awkward between us.
of 115 votes, 54% like it
Italics make me seem faster.
of 114 votes, 53% like it
I'm too smart for small talk. I prefer diminutive communication.
of 106 votes, 43% like it
Free Marionettes! No Strings Attached!
of 96 votes, 44% like it
I have an art gallery in the same shape and size of a fridge.
of 107 votes, 52% like it
I'd rather play records than break them.
of 113 votes, 56% like it
I remember the past like it was yesterday.
of 112 votes, 50% like it
All good things come to an end, unless you wish for more wishes.
of 97 votes, 41% like it
If I were president, all disputes would be settled by thumb wars.
of 106 votes, 46% like it
Lefties can never fully attain righteousness.
of 113 votes, 55% like it
I'm not a geek, I just enjoy computers, basements and love my mom
of 109 votes, 59% like it
When I die I hope to come back as a zombie, so I can be in movies
of 95 votes, 49% like it
If I were Thor, I'd be really mad if someone stole my thunder.
of 90 votes, 48% like it
If this is rhetorical, does it require an answer?
of 92 votes, 47% like it
I will accept pennies for my thoughts
of 104 votes, 53% like it
I wish I had a magic carpet, so I wouldn't have to vacuum.
of 83 votes, 47% like it
Sometimes I look at clouds and really want cotton candy.
of 85 votes, 41% like it
Momma said they'll be days like this. She even labeled my undies
of 85 votes, 35% like it
Being an astronaut is the best way to lose weight.
of 89 votes, 45% like it
I used to be named John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
of 85 votes, 34% like it
Trust me, I'm a Wikipediatrician.
of 112 votes, 62% like it
Periods are my least favorite time of sentence.
of 91 votes, 44% like it
I don't believe in Santa (glow ink) but I stay up just in case
of 88 votes, 43% like it
Alright, I admit it. It was me, in the hall, with the lead pipe.
of 95 votes, 45% like it
My sex-addicted camel really likes Wednesdays
of 83 votes, 31% like it
My life has a soundtrack, as long as I have headphones.
of 82 votes, 34% like it
I wrote a spell check but it bownced.
of 96 votes, 41% like it
If I could breathe underwater, I'd laugh at all the scuba divers.
of 82 votes, 34% like it
If I could fly, I'd give piggy back rides for a reasonable price.
of 81 votes, 38% like it
I have super powers, but I already have enough chores.
of 76 votes, 29% like it
Frosty the snowman was an extremely unreliable friend.
of 84 votes, 37% like it
I walk in front of black cats to give them bad luck.
of 85 votes, 39% like it
When a big slimy eel comes to bite on your heel, that's a Moray.
of 95 votes, 44% like it
I have super powers, but I refuse to accept great responsibility.
of 115 votes, 48% like it
If my eyes were actually larger than my stomach, I'd be a freak
of 109 votes, 43% like it
I grew up once.
of 117 votes, 55% like it
It isn't all about winning unless you're playing Russian roulette
of 145 votes, 48% like it
I'll never have a midlife crisis because I plan on living forever
of 160 votes, 47% like it
I wish meltdowns were less stressful and more like ice cream
of 161 votes, 55% like it
My power is explosion, but I'm saving it for a special occasion
of 151 votes, 45% like it
I find elevators to be especially uplifting
of 265 votes, 64% like it
I consider myself a Post Modernist because I'm from the future
of 273 votes, 51% like it
I'd keep a diary, but I'm lactose intolerant
of 336 votes, 46% like it
I'm not vain, I look in the mirror to reflect
of 320 votes, 49% like it
Shooting stars is a felony
of 345 votes, 52% like it
Manholes and warp pipes are similar, but with different outcomes
of 275 votes, 37% like it
I'm worried that I may have paranoia
of 338 votes, 60% like it
I learned not to end a sentence in prepositions where I came from
of 270 votes, 39% like it
Breaking a disco ball is 7,000,000 years bad luck
of 376 votes, 64% like it
Old people should move faster, they have less time.
of 345 votes, 60% like it
Question marks make me doubt myself?
of 374 votes, 63% like it
Despite the name, safety pins are still dangerous
of 368 votes, 65% like it
Rubik's cube, childhood toy or torture device for the colorblind?
of 398 votes, 61% like it
"G" is the gnu silent letter
of 352 votes, 47% like it
Booby traps aren't as enjoyable as they sound
of 448 votes, 65% like it
Shadow puppets are not gang signs
of 351 votes, 47% like it
I'm a compulsive liar, but not really.
of 417 votes, 63% like it
Don't run with scissors. Throw them first and run to them.
of 411 votes, 52% like it
She should have sold her seashells further inland
of 404 votes, 51% like it
"μ," Said the Greek cow
of 556 votes, 66% like it
I wear a raincoat, fo drizzle
of 439 votes, 45% like it
Pluto used to be my favorite planet
of 447 votes, 53% like it
Haikus are easy but sometimes they don't make sense, refrigerator
of 691 votes, 86% like it
When I was younger... Pluto was actually a planet
of 437 votes, 42% like it
When it comes to crastination, I'm a pro
of 438 votes, 48% like it
Morgan Freeman narrarates my life
of 446 votes, 46% like it
Homeland security levels mean nothing to the colorblind
of 387 votes, 38% like it
Slogans that have been deleted or that have been dropped from the contest
(on side of shirt) Sometimes I give awkward hugs.
of 71 votes, 35% like it
(small)Love: (huge)I'm full of it!
of 37 votes, 8% like it
6 was afraid of 7 because of his history of violence.
of 24 votes, 13% like it
A Donkey Sombrero is an Ass Hat.
of 20 votes, 10% like it
A Narwhal is the equivalent of a Sea Unicorn.
of 43 votes, 37% like it
A parrot is like a conscience that makes a mess on your shirt.
of 58 votes, 38% like it
A penny saved is a penny stolen from the borrow a penny tray.
of 45 votes, 33% like it
A Scale of 1 to 10 is not Accurate for Weight Measurement.
of 67 votes, 39% like it
A Sleepwalking Dragon is the Last thing you Want to Wake.
of 13 votes, 8% like it
Abstract artists never quite got the Pointilism.
of 17 votes, 12% like it
Actually Blind Dates Tend to be Touchy-Feely.
of 86 votes, 34% like it
All Cars are Technically Bumper Cars.
of 47 votes, 34% like it
All of my sayings are self-referential.
of 20 votes, 15% like it
Alphabets are Made at Gambling School.
of 23 votes, 35% like it
Alphabets are Made While Gambling at School.
of 8 votes, 13% like it
Always be careful what you wish for, when talking to a genie.
of 34 votes, 21% like it
Alzheimer's makes life full of surprises
of 277 votes, 46% like it
Ambidextrous people can do things either-handedly
of 47 votes, 34% like it
Amoebas Make Great Pets for Minanimalists.
of 31 votes, 19% like it
Arcades are just Casino's without the second-hand smoke.
of 48 votes, 27% like it
Ask Me About My Life Story.
of 45 votes, 36% like it
Ask me on a date, as long as there is free food, I'm there.
of 44 votes, 25% like it
ASPCP: American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pi&ntild
of 4 votes, 25% like it
Babies are best not shaken or stirred.
of 28 votes, 14% like it
Be careful, a blessing in disguise might actually be a man.
of 59 votes, 34% like it
Be Careful, I may Assault You With Full Front Nerdity
of 17 votes, 18% like it
Being a mortician is quite an undertaking.
of 44 votes, 34% like it
Being a secret agent is awesome, but you'll never know I am.
of 17 votes, 29% like it
Being Bulletproof is not Idiot-proof
of 26 votes, 15% like it
Being in a Band is a Free Pass to Start Conversations.
of 9 votes, 22% like it
Being in a Rubber Band Gives me A Flexible Touring Schedule.
of 62 votes, 37% like it
Being PC and a PC are totally different.
of 0 votes, 0% like it
Being probed by aliens is not the best way to get famous.
of 28 votes, 11% like it
Bingo Halls: Where age doesn't matter.
of 7 votes, 14% like it
Biplanes go both ways.
of 46 votes, 39% like it
Birds fly south in the winter, because that's where the party is.
of 55 votes, 33% like it
Breakfast: The only meal where it is acceptable to break stuff.
of 50 votes, 30% like it
Building blocks are the building blocks of life.
of 54 votes, 35% like it
Candid Cameras sound Delicious.
of 15 votes, 13% like it
Car Insurance is Really Expensive for Crime Fighters like me.
of 28 votes, 18% like it
Cats are actually Satan's minions.
of 47 votes, 32% like it
Chainmail cannot protect you from chain letters.
of 17 votes, 12% like it
Children should not be on leashes, unless they resemble pit bulls
of 51 votes, 37% like it
Cigarettes in a Fun House are Just Smoke and Mirrors.
of 28 votes, 32% like it
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness and La Quinta is Next to Denny's
of 62 votes, 32% like it
Clowns are Cannibals Natural Enemy.
of 26 votes, 15% like it
Copy & Eat Paste
of 20 votes, 20% like it
Cuckoo Clocks Tick me Off.
of 66 votes, 35% like it
Damsels need bodyguards so they don't get kidnapped as often
of 54 votes, 26% like it
Dancing Nomads Move to The Music.
of 50 votes, 32% like it
Despite the Name, Burritos have nothing to do with Small Equine.
of 17 votes, 12% like it
Do I answer Nature's Calls? Depends.
of 34 votes, 18% like it
Do you wonder what I'm thinking?
of 5 votes, 20% like it
Don't cry over spilled milk, unless it was the end of the carton.
of 50 votes, 32% like it
Don't Wake Sleepwalkers, Dragons, or Daddy.
of 4 votes, 0% like it
Erasing Gives Character to my Mistakes.
of 31 votes, 29% like it
Eskimos are cool!
of 50 votes, 32% like it
Even Bad News Looks Good When a Plane Writes it in the Sky.
of 15 votes, 20% like it
Excuses are like armpits, sometimes they keep your hands warm.
of 55 votes, 29% like it
Flash Cards Exhibit Full Frontal Nerdity.
of 46 votes, 39% like it
Free Tibet you say?...I'll take it!
of 401 votes, 38% like it
Front row at the movies is the closest I've come to being famous
of 275 votes, 38% like it
Girls fart unicorn giggles.
of 178 votes, 37% like it
Good thing my Dr. isn't a stranger I love the candy at his office
of 25 votes, 16% like it
Googly Eyes Make all of my Crafts Better.
of 37 votes, 30% like it
Gravity is like a mean parent, it always grounds me.
of 55 votes, 31% like it
Gravity: Making the moonwalk on the moon, impossible.
of 33 votes, 30% like it
Her face was a map of the world. I tried to spin it.
of 15 votes, 13% like it
Hitler Meant to Put the Juice in a Concentration Camp.
of 12 votes, 17% like it
Holy cows make heavenly steaks.
of 62 votes, 39% like it
Home is where the address is.
of 17 votes, 35% like it
Homeless hip-hop artists get a bum rap.
of 27 votes, 11% like it
I ♠ my dog
of 368 votes, 33% like it
I ♣ baby seals
of 427 votes, 47% like it
I always answer Nature's Calls.
of 28 votes, 29% like it
I always fall for practical jokes and gravity.
of 23 votes, 22% like it
I always feel British right before I win a game of chess.
of 42 votes, 19% like it
I Always Get Typecast as the Person With the Clever Shirts.
of 48 votes, 35% like it
I Always Take Nature's Calls because I Don't Have Voice Mail.
of 30 votes, 17% like it
I blame my poor posture on the weight of boomboxes
of 27 votes, 19% like it
I bought a star, but it fell, so I got a refund.
of 16 votes, 13% like it
I can time travel but only forward, and at regular speed.
of 141 votes, 83% like it
I can write my name in the snow and it doesn't have to be cursive
of 41 votes, 27% like it
I carry a bingo stamper incase a pick-up game should arise.
of 24 votes, 21% like it
I dine on samples at the grocery store.
of 23 votes, 26% like it
I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE PROPER NETIQUETTE
of 1 votes, 0% like it
I Don't Believe in Hand-Outs, Unless You're Offering.
of 45 votes, 36% like it
I Don't Enjoy Things That Take My Breath Away Without Asking.
of 68 votes, 38% like it
I don't have accidents, I have purpose.
of 24 votes, 25% like it
I don't join cults. It always ends in dismemberment.
of 14 votes, 7% like it
I Don't Like Glue, It Always Leaves Me Too Attached to Projects.
of 73 votes, 36% like it
I don't mean to pry, but do you know where my crowbar is?
of 29 votes, 24% like it
I Don't Trust Mascots.
of 37 votes, 32% like it
I follow @jesus
of 31 votes, 19% like it
I have a hard time remembering to not forget.
of 28 votes, 18% like it
I have a preposition: for you.
of 13 votes, 8% like it
I Have a Secret that I Can't Tell You.
of 32 votes, 38% like it
I have Super Human Speed, but My Theme Song Has to Catch Up.
of 31 votes, 23% like it
I have to convince myself that reverse psychology doesn't work.
of 32 votes, 28% like it
I hope I grow up to have superpowers.
of 20 votes, 35% like it
I know my ABC's backward & sideways but it's harder to pronou
of 18 votes, 17% like it
I know the secrets of life, but I was sworn to secrecy.
of 30 votes, 17% like it
I know the secrets of life, but they made me promise not to tell.
of 35 votes, 14% like it
I know the side of you face like the back of my hand.
of 0 votes, 0% like it
I know the side of your face like the back of my hand
of 26 votes, 35% like it
I left my positive attitude in my other pants.
of 33 votes, 27% like it
I Like People-Watching but Only Through Newspapers with Eye Holes
of 27 votes, 33% like it
I listen to my proscience more than my conscience.
of 85 votes, 38% like it
I Make a Better Door than Window Because I Don't Work With Glass
of 7 votes, 14% like it
I make a better door than window mostly because I'm superstitious
of 7 votes, 14% like it
I Make it Rain... All Over Your Parades.
of 17 votes, 6% like it
I never get lost as a backseat driver.
of 3 votes, 33% like it
I oft learn very little from Infomercials.
of 25 votes, 12% like it
I prefer my words over easy, instead of scrambled.
of 22 votes, 18% like it
I Ran Away From Home Because Thats What My Friend Named His Skunk
of 16 votes, 6% like it
I Really Dig Archeology.
of 7 votes, 14% like it
I really dig Paleontology.
of 60 votes, 18% like it
I sleep in a running position incase my dreams get too intense.
of 10 votes, 20% like it
I talk down to those shorter than me.
of 24 votes, 17% like it
I think teople that use uncool slang need hip replacement.
of 7 votes, 14% like it
I too get excited when I see a duck.
of 21 votes, 14% like it
I tried counting to infinity but I lost count.
of 53 votes, 32% like it
I Try to Breathe Asbestos I Can.
of 8 votes, 13% like it
I Used to Have a Sweet Tooth, but I Got a Cavity.
of 21 votes, 24% like it
I Was a Child Actor, but I Wasn't in any Movies.
of 104 votes, 38% like it
I was a fan of pi before it sold out. 355/133 for life!
of 21 votes, 24% like it
I went to Jibberland and all I got was this blaverlant shirt.
of 13 votes, 0% like it
I'd rather be a super genious than poor.
of 53 votes, 34% like it
I'd rather be able to fly than to be homeless.
of 53 votes, 32% like it
I'd rather have 3 pieces of pi than .14
of 19 votes, 21% like it
I'll be impulsive as long as I have a pulse.
of 84 votes, 36% like it
I'll drop a beat if you bring the rhymes.
of 32 votes, 25% like it
I'm a celebrity in very small concentric circles.
of 32 votes, 22% like it
I'm a walking advertisement for the way I walk.
of 59 votes, 34% like it
I'm actually planning on having a nice trip trip next fall.
of 8 votes, 0% like it
I'm an aspiring knock-knock joke artist.
of 32 votes, 16% like it
I'm Behaving!
of 33 votes, 15% like it
I'm glad there aren't bathroom attendants on airplanes.
of 16 votes, 31% like it
I'm less of a hip-hop artist, and more of a gift wrapper.
of 47 votes, 34% like it
I'm like a vampire at night, but a zombie in the mornings.
of 17 votes, 35% like it
I'm never asking a wizard to make me a sandwich again.
of 29 votes, 17% like it
I'm not good at math, but I am pro-tractors.
of 12 votes, 17% like it
I'm Not Gullible, I'm Just Very Trusting.
of 53 votes, 34% like it
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing beside you.
of 0 votes, 0% like it
I'm not lazy, I'm just energetically challenged.
of 51 votes, 33% like it
I'm slowly going crazier.
of 18 votes, 6% like it
I'm so smooth with humor, i bet you won't even notice my jokes.
of 4 votes, 25% like it
I'm sorry, but you're just not my type. Helvetica is.
of 64 votes, 39% like it
I'm Taking a Stand, or a Sit.
of 39 votes, 23% like it
I'm the boss now because the alphabet me and lost.
of 17 votes, 12% like it
I'm Working on a World Record for Most Lethargic.
of 32 votes, 25% like it
I've got higher than high hopes, I've got Pi in the sky hopes.
of 19 votes, 21% like it
Idle minds turn into monsters.
of 2 votes, 50% like it
If being lazy won awards, I'd be doubly good at it.
of 26 votes, 4% like it
If Blogs Were Trains, I'd Still Be to Blame for their Derailment
of 54 votes, 24% like it
If I could fly, I'd follow birds south for the winter.
of 80 votes, 31% like it
If I had telekenesis, I'd make myself a sandwhich.
of 52 votes, 31% like it
If I had Tourette Syndrome, I'd work to be really good at Bingo.
of 18 votes, 17% like it
If I had Tourettes, I'd work to be really good at Bingo.
of 0 votes, 0% like it
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a wordsmith.
of 42 votes, 31% like it
If I met a vampire named Opportunity, not sure I would let it in.
of 8 votes, 13% like it
If I Mustered All My Strength Maybe I could Ketchup.
of 22 votes, 18% like it
If I were John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt I'd get tired of shouts
of 24 votes, 13% like it
If Imitation is the Purest Form of Flattery, so are Mirrors.
of 33 votes, 18% like it
If lightning were a bowler, he'd never roll in the same lane.
of 19 votes, 5% like it
If Math Club Were A Gang, They'd Flash Cosines.
of 9 votes, 44% like it
If resistance is futile, then I know how tiles are made.
of 11 votes, 18% like it
If they speak English in England, where is Gibberish spoken?
of 21 votes, 14% like it
If we were all in the same boat, it would probably sink.
of 2 votes, 0% like it
If you yell "DUCK" I bet I'll forget I'm wearing this s
of 21 votes, 19% like it
It is Dangerous to wake Sleepwalkers, Dragons, and Daddy.
of 9 votes, 11% like it
It only takes 15º to time travel.
of 29 votes, 14% like it
It's fun to stand out in a crowd, but I'd rather sit down.
of 12 votes, 25% like it
It's hard to quit smoking, when you are on fire.
of 14 votes, 36% like it
It's just safer if you assume I know karate
of 302 votes, 73% like it
Jack may be nimble, but Mario jumps over more dangerous stuff
of 261 votes, 43% like it
Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care, but it was kind of annoying
of 78 votes, 35% like it
Jingle bells sounds like a serious condition
of 24 votes, 25% like it
John Jacobjingleheimerschmidt Had to Have a Long Name Tag.
of 67 votes, 37% like it
Jumping off a cliff is only a bad idea if you want to live.
of 250 votes, 42% like it
Jungle gym class was the cause of most of my injuries.
of 21 votes, 24% like it
Last time I wore suspenders I got held up.
of 52 votes, 29% like it
Laundry day was yesterday, which means this shirt is dirty.
of 18 votes, 22% like it
Letters are just numbers that sold out.
of 18 votes, 17% like it
Life is fair, if you're a carny
of 258 votes, 42% like it
Life is like a box of chocolates, somedays are full of caramel.
of 23 votes, 9% like it
Life is not a race, but humans are.
of 23 votes, 17% like it
Life isn't fair, unless you work the midway games.
of 14 votes, 29% like it
Logic says caterpillars have 324 lives
of 23 votes, 4% like it
Mail enhancement is when a card has money in it.
of 12 votes, 8% like it
Make new friends but keep the old in a nursing home.
of 3 votes, 0% like it
Microwaves are what makes me 1 step closer to being a superhero
of 4 votes, 25% like it
Mirrors should be a palindrome.
of 14 votes, 21% like it
Moonwalking is easier in zero gravity.
of 50 votes, 36% like it
Murder: The most deadly sin
of 58 votes, 36% like it
My cat has 8 continues
of 261 votes, 38% like it
My CD's Aren't Scratched, They're All Just Remix Albums.
of 19 votes, 26% like it
My Elvis impersonation involves a wig, jumpsuit, and coffin.
of 11 votes, 9% like it
My Favorite Holidays Involve me Getting Stuff.
of 3 votes, 33% like it
My Grammarphone Only Plays Records in Proper English.
of 51 votes, 37% like it
My house is just a very realistic up arrow.
of 22 votes, 5% like it
My jokes are so smooth you won't know I have a sense of humor.
of 18 votes, 22% like it
My milkshake is actually award winning, how about yours?
of 43 votes, 21% like it
My wisdom teeth did used to make me more smarterer.
of 15 votes, 20% like it
Never ask a wizard to make you a sandwich.
of 17 votes, 29% like it
Oil spills make everything look slick.
of 10 votes, 20% like it
On a Scale of 1 to Awesome I'm a 10.
of 21 votes, 14% like it
Only Carnival workers think life is fair.
of 69 votes, 33% like it
Orthodontists mind the gap.
of 7 votes, 14% like it
Pangaea Made Long-Distance Relationships Much More Manageable.
of 16 votes, 19% like it
People Without Teeth Love Ice Cream and Monster Truck Rallies.
of 72 votes, 35% like it
Pet rocks are not good for snuggling
of 308 votes, 38% like it
Pool Sharks Make The Deep End More Dangerous.
of 17 votes, 18% like it
Porcupines are neither trees nor the other white meat.
of 34 votes, 38% like it
Preppy kids mind the gap.
of 17 votes, 24% like it
Psychics are Just Wizards that Dropped out After a few lessons.
of 13 votes, 0% like it
Punctuality is important, unless you want free pizzas.
of 57 votes, 33% like it
Pushing the envelope isn't that hard, unless it's made from lead.
of 24 votes, 33% like it
Revenge is a dish best served with a fork.
of 84 votes, 39% like it
Shadow Boxing is a Lonely Form of Entertainment.
of 33 votes, 36% like it
Since laughter is the best medicine, my comedian charges me copay
of 21 votes, 14% like it
Slumberjacks saw logs.
of 56 votes, 9% like it
Snails are like humans, except for they're not.
of 53 votes, 36% like it
Sno-cones are seasonal treats and arctic traffic safety devices
of 51 votes, 37% like it
Some Fortune Cookies Should Be Renamed Advice Cookies
of 14 votes, 14% like it
Spontenaiety Happens
of 336 votes, 30% like it
Standing Near Microwaves Makes me Feel a Little Like a Superhero.
of 17 votes, 24% like it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but please don't try it.
of 53 votes, 34% like it
Surprisingly, mini golf doesn't make me feel like a giant.
of 35 votes, 31% like it
The best plumbers have mustaches and brothers.
of 62 votes, 39% like it
The Best Things in Life are Buy one Get one Free.
of 22 votes, 18% like it
The Best Things in Life are More like Stuff.
of 12 votes, 17% like it
The Circus: Where People do amazing things in sparkly clothes.
of 7 votes, 14% like it
The Grass is Always Greener because my neighbor waters his lawn.
of 76 votes, 39% like it
The Last Life Lesson I Learned Was: Turn Off the Stove
of 52 votes, 35% like it
The most uncomfortable long hugs occur whilst wearing chain mail.
of 20 votes, 15% like it
The pyramid game is less fun when you think about all the slaves.
of 26 votes, 27% like it
There is a difference between being PC and being a PC.
of 19 votes, 26% like it
This is me in the Futura.
of 5 votes, 20% like it
Time Signatures are Not Worth as Much as a Professional Athlete's
of 18 votes, 17% like it
Timing is everything, but Tim Ming lives down the street.
of 11 votes, 18% like it
Today is the 7th day of the rest of my life.
of 8 votes, 13% like it
Today is the fifth day of the rest of my life.
of 39 votes, 31% like it
Trust me, I'm a Wikipediatrician
of 370 votes, 47% like it
Tuesday should be the second day of the week
of 74 votes, 27% like it
Umbrellas Are useful for protection from rain, sun and anvils.
of 19 votes, 11% like it
Warning: Sticks and stones may break my bones.
of 22 votes, 18% like it
What happens in Vegas, smells like cigarette smoke.
of 71 votes, 38% like it
With a name like Funerals, they should be more enjoyable.
of 49 votes, 39% like it
With fun in the name, I feel like I should enjoy funerals more.
of 35 votes, 20% like it
Writer's Block- When you need a vowel movement.
of 92 votes, 41% like it
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